


Happiness Will Ruin This Place

by SavageBubblegum



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Songfic, if those are still a thing, san fermin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 15:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SavageBubblegum/pseuds/SavageBubblegum
Summary: All that I ever want, is to be two places at once(working title: pining idiots)





	Happiness Will Ruin This Place

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone go listen to this song:
> 
> [San Fermin - Happiness Will Ruin This Place](https://youtu.be/Y9pPRcUHdS8/)

**4004 BC**

Being struck to the ground and stripped of his limbs to squirm around in the dust wasn't much of a surprise after the Fall. His first command was to hit the ground running (well, slithering) to bring the end of everything they Fell for.

He slithered about the Garden, begrudgingly admiring the lush greenery and calculating the best way to coax the unsuspecting Eve into taking full blame for damning the entire human race. A job well done, but he felt a sense of melancholia seeing them ushered out by a Principality who was doing a miserable job of coping with his failure.

Crawly sat under a fern for what felt like ages staring at the Angel on the wall and slithered upwards after deciding that it couldn't really get any worse . 

It took a moment, but memories came to him of the humans being made; Clay was shaped into bones followed by what seemed like a superfluous amount of nerves and regulatory systems, then topped off with flesh. They seemed awfully squishy and easy to break. A bit more of the serpent remained than he'd like, but he did manage to be human-shaped by the end of his transformation.

Crawly cracked the world's first joke and it, too, fell like a lead balloon. The Principality confessed to outright disobeying the Almighty and Crawly wondered if this was that all-encompassing love that everyone had been going on about upstairs.

He looked back to the Garden for the last time, and decided that there was no place he'd rather be than sheltered from the rain under his enemy's wing. 

**712 BC**

New orders came from below but Crawly realized that the humans were doing a bang-up job of making terrible decisions. Didn't hurt to take the credit for it though. One could only look at dust and dying trees for so long, so it was time for a change of scenery; He went off in search of a new Garden and found a familiar face. 

"What are the odds of finding you here, oh Prin-ci-pal-i-ty." He said as obnoxiously as he could manage into the Angel's ear.

Aziraphale sighed and gave him what might have been a dirty look. "They'd probably be doing much better if _your_ lot would keep out."  
They looked on as a man sighed in exasperation when his bucket of water tipped over into the grass. 

"Hey don't look at me, I'm not the one bringing down righteous punishment on the scale that _your_ people have been. Merciful my a-"

The Angel did his best to look offended, "I should smite you for such profanity!" but the effect was ruined when he couldn't keep back a smile. "You shouldn't tempt me, I'll do it!"

"Oh, I would _never_."

**204 BC**

Aziraphale sat on the grass looking up. "Have you ever heard the way the humans speak of the stars? Some of them will look up and find figures in the distance and assign names and stories to them, and that the stars sometimes determine everything that they will ever be." He leaned back. "A bit blasphemous, but they do have such wonderful minds."

He looked to where Crowley lay beside him. "If it's okay to ask...." There was a long pause.

"Out with it, Angel."

"Did you ever meet the one who made the stars? I was tasked elsewhere, but they said that the Almighty entrusted them to someone who made things in the sky so perfect that they bordered on blasphemy." He looked back up. "I would have liked to meet them."

Crowley sniffed. "Yes, I'm sure they would have wanted to meet you too."

**41 AD**

"Caligula is a prick. Was a prick." Crowley leaned over his jar, quite drunk on some swill the locals have been calling wine. "I'm glad the bastard is dead." 

Aziraphale was toying with an oyster shell, running his finger over the smooth interior. "It is quite an achievement. You did very well in getting his own guards to do the dirty work for you." 

"Getting his own guar- Wait, you think I had something to do with that? I didn't have to do anything. He was a miserable ass and deserved what he got. I thought your lot had something to do with it, seeing the result."

"I- Well, we had nothing to do with it as far as I know." Aziraphale nodded and raised his cup. "To free will, I suppose." They toasted and choked on their terrible wine. 

**1349 AD**

Crowley shuddered and clutched his glass with white knuckles. "I don't know how much longer I can do this. I got a commendation this morning for the deaths of more than 20 million humans. And you know-" He shivered "You know what? I didn't even do anything. It was Beelzebub and that rat-bastard Belphegor who kicked off the whole thing. I was tasked to spread them out but I couldn't do it." He sobbed into his drink while Aziraphale put a hand over his shoulder. 

"They were trying to run away from something they didn't understand. It wasn't your fault." Aziraphale sighed into his xigu longjing, freshly miracled from the East. "Some things are meant to end."

Crowley stood up, furious. "How can you say that? You're meant to be watching over them! You're meant to care for them and cherish them and protect them!" He pointed an accusing finger. "But here you are sipping tea and watching them perish. Some kind of Guardian you are!" 

"Crowley I just meant-" 

"I know what you meant." He scoffed. "It's _ineffable_. It isn't for us to understand. We just have to stay here and watch them die in pain for no good reason." He lay his palms flat on the table. "Do you know what they're doing? They're going into the streets and whipping themselves as _atonement_ to their _loving_ God. And you're just like the rest of them! I don't know why I'm even surprised."

Aziraphale furrowed his brow. "Crowley, please listen-"

Crowley did his best to sashay out the door. Aziraphale didn't see him again for 60 years.

**2012**

"The child looked at me and said 'Brother Francis, I don't want to eat that fruit. Nanny says that trees have bugs in them and bugs are unfit for the palate of the Lord of the Universe.'" Aziraphale huffed in Crowley's general direction. "Really, Crowley, the boy can't eat an apple? Isn't that rather your specialty?"

Nanny Ashtoreth leaned against the trellis in the Dowling's garden. "The apple is on you this time, Angel." She reached up to adjust her hair, lifting it from her shoulder and pulling her finger through the curls. "Tell him the one about the doctor, he's terrified of the family physician." 

Aziraphale watched Crowley's fingers work through her hair, he could pick up the light scent of apples and ash. There was a long pause.

"Well, you'll have to get him to dislike some other fruit. How about the peaches? I don't think I have the patience to keep up with them much longer." 

**2016**

It is Warlock Dowling's 8th birthday and Nanny Ashtoreth has been tasked with reigning in 12 children at the London zoo. It should have been a nightmare, but the buddy-system proved very effective after Crowley established the Fear of Nanny in them.

It didn't help that Aziraphale had destroyed another rosebush overnight. 

"Nanny! Look!" Warlock pushed out his jaw and did an impression of a chimpanzee, which set off a chain reaction in the other children that had them whooping and awkwardly hopping from foot to foot.

"Does that seem like fitting behaviour for the Master of the World?" She scoffed "How are you meant to frighten your enemies into submission hopping about like such a fool?" Warlock immediately stood up straight and looked to the ground. 

"Sorry Nanny Ashtoreth." He turned and shouted at the other children to stop.

She looked into the cage and scowled at a chimp. "What are you looking at?" 

**2015**

4am on a Tuesday morning found them thoroughly sloshed in the back room of the bookshop. Crowley was focused on the fork waving about and wondered what Aziraphale would do if he dropped that last bite of ganache. "Mmhmm." 

"And that's why I think you should keep the dress." 

Crowley was certainly paying attention now. "Pardon?"

Aziraphale's eyes widened and he snapped his mouth closed. "I meant, I mean I just meant to say- Oh bother, I'm not myself tonight."

He smiled as Aziraphale stuttered through a weak excuse and Crowley fell in love with him a bit more. 

**5 Hours and 48 Minutes to the End**

Crowley sat on the floor and watched as the spine of another ancient tome curled to ash in the flames.

**2 Hours and 16 Minutes to the End**

Hastur was gone and the Bentley was burning up. Crowley glanced at the glovebox and decided that he didn't need his shades.

Time to make some trouble.

**The Last Night**

Aziraphale did his best to get comfortable on a couch that seemed designed to somehow poke every part of the occupant at once. Crowley lay on the floor. They had foregone glasses and were just passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth. Aziraphale let out a sigh, Crowley looked up to him. 

"How long do you think they'll wait?"

Aziraphale shifted again. "Probably a day or so. Perhaps after they've settled the ranks and decided on the most painful way to get rid of us. I'm sure they'll at least be watching by morning."

Crowley made a strange sound in the back of his throat before getting up from the floor and walking towards the couch. He took a long swallow from the bottle and set it down on the side table. "Right, then." He leaned down and softly kissed Aziraphale. "Want to make sure I do that before we're put down." 

Aziraphale blinked up at him briefly before slinging his arm around Crowley's neck. "I don't think I've ever agreed with you so whole-heartedly on something in our entire lives." 

This time, they Fell together.

**The First Day of the Rest of Their Lives**

"How in the world do you walk about in these trousers? Is this why you wobble everywhere?" Aziraphale tried and failed to find a way to sit on the bench. "I almost had to miracle them off so I wouldn't be left hopping on one foot in front of a horde of bloodthirsty demons."

"Oh, come now, they aren't _that_ bad. Just because you refuse to get with the times doesn't mean I have to stay a century behind with you. I think you would look quite fetching in a modern two-button, you could even keep the tartan and call it vintage. Quite stylish." 

"Alright, it's time to swap back then. I don't want you getting too many ideas." They clasped hands and passed out of and into each other. 

"Oh, I am full of ideas." Crowley leaned back effortlessly. "If you think I'm so uncomfortable in these trousers I'm sure there's something to be done about it." Aziraphale's ears pinked a bit. 

"You'll have to take me to dinner first." 

"How about lunch instead?"


End file.
